I’ve been debating about just how much of myself I want to put out here, in the open, vastness of cyberspace where a simple click on Google’s website can dredge up your entire life. So, we’ll see how this goes.
To say 2012 sucked for me, well, that’s like saying the Grand Canyon is a crack in the dirt. From start to end, it was miserable. I know there are people who have it way worse. It makes me feel guilty complaining about my trials, when I should be thankful for what I have. Some times it works. In 2012, not so much. I’d been unhappy for a while prior to but the 3 major events just brought it all crashing in.
I won’t go into major details about event 1, but 2 days after coming back from my Christmas holiday, my company let me go after making a complaint to HR. Florida is a “right to work” state. That basically means they can fire you for any reason or no reason. In my case it was the latter. The lawyer, who so happily took my retainer, was of no help in trying to pursue a case against them. That’s for another post though.
Unemployment was still at an all time high for FL in January of 2012. Their Unemployment benefits are at the bottom of list. The most anyone can get in a month wasn’t even enough to pay my average rent for where I lived and my car payment, much less anything else. Time was not on my side to find a new job. I had lots of interview but either they weren’t sure they were going to hire or I was overqualified. Screw “overqualified”! I was about to be “under-housed”. After 2 months, I had no choice. I gave away or sold everything but the barest of stuff. That included my fur-babies, Shadow and MiniMe (still babies in that pic). They were 2 awesome cats. It broke and still breaks my heart to have lost them. I am just soooo thankful a friend took them in. She loves and spoils them more than I did. But damn, seeing pictures of them, make me cry. I have them since they were 5 weeks. Rescues from a heartless bastard who told 2 10-year old kids he’d kill them if he didn’t find homes for them. They were 8 years old when I said goodbye.
Event 2: I left my life in Florida on April 1st to fly up to stay with family in WA state. One week later (Event 3)… well this picture says it all:
I cannot even put into words how this affected me. If I wasn’t already in a dark and miserable place, this pushed me over the edge. Other than a few moments in the hospital when they told the family she wouldn’t be okay or those rare moments when I am alone, everything has been internalized. Have to keep the happy and okay face for family, for work, for the whomever I might run into. It’s bad, I know but that’s the only way to make it day to day, when quite frankly, from that day until after Christmas I really just didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything. The only reason I did anything Christmas related was for my great niece & nephew who are only 1 1/2 & 3, respectively.
Christmas Day was the hardest. It snowed. Mom liked snow and on Christmas. When we weren’t eating or open presents, I was huddled at my brother’s desk, occasionally chatting or Tweet with friends. Then a message popped up that had 2 simple words in it. It was unexpected both in the receiving and who it was from. And yet, it made me smile… the first real smile I had all day. It may sound pretty stupid, especially if I gave all the details but for me, it was my little shining star that started to light the path out of the darkness I was in. The person who sent that may never realize what it did. I will never post the who or exactly the what because I want to tell that person face-to-face someday. I can only hope that someday is soon. There was another person who played a part in that and they already know how much I appreciate what they did 🙂
So, now it’s 2013. Trying to continue to follow that light and make out. Some days are good. Some days aren’t. I’ve found some therapy in some writing, both here and fiction writing. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll get published. For real. Not just in a fan magazine. I don’t think I will ever heal from the loss of my mother but if I can find my “happy” again, that would be okay.